Don't let it get me...

It has been a good week so far. I have been fighting a chest cold for the last couple of days. I seem to be winning, so far. Kathy and Grace were sick with the flu today. Whatever bug this turns out to be is a nasty one, or many. It seems to change symptoms each day.

I had a really good night at the gym. I really enjoy using the elliptical trainer. Using it doesn't hurt my knees like the treadmill does. I was able to go really hard for a half an hour tonight. (That's what she said!) (Sorry, the Office has corrupted me) Anyway, I got through my work out but had to sterilize and wipe down the ENTIRE machine when I was done with it. Oh well, it just means I worked hard.

I am back in my work out and eat better groove now that I am feeling better. Who knows, I could wake up tomorrow with double pneumonia. Nothing would surprise me.

Christmas is fast approaching. We decorated our trees on Sunday. One upstairs and one down. It may be a little early, but we had our Thanksgiving a month ago. Also, Halloween is over, so I need something else to look forward to. Kathy watched Elf with the kids tonight. That is on my absolute must see list for Christmas. I also love watching " A Christmas Story". I will not officially declare the Christmas season underway until I watch it. It is amazing how they were able to capture the absolute joy and humour of the Christmas season. I am able to reminisce about my own Christmas memories when I watch it.

My mom and I have always shared a special bond when it comes to Christmas. She has always been as excited or more about it than I have. I, in turn, am like that with my kids as well. I am really excited that she will be spending Christmas Eve with us. I am 38 years old and still have just as much trouble sleeping Christmas Eve as I did when I was little. The pattern is the same, I will wake up every hour on the hour until the kids wake up. If it goes too late, I have no problem waking the kids up. I am supposed to say that I don't think of myself and that I am happy to give and see what the kids get. The first statement is a pile of crap. I do think of myself, but I also am happy to give and see what the kids get. That is as close to selfless at Christmas as I can muster.

Scott will be coming home for Christmas, which will make this one extra special. I really miss him and look forward to sitting in his room, or wherever we have a working stereo, and listen to music with him.

I need to go to bed.

One Flu Over The Cuckoo's Nest

It has been a rough week. I have had a flu for about a week now. It is not the much heralded H1N1, but it is bad enough to have shut me down for a few days. I know I am on the mend, it is just taking longer than I want it to.

I am about a week behind with my exercise program, but that is underway again, so that is good news. The elliptical machine is my new favorite cardio device. My body is not built to operate it with much grace, but I got through it. I am still trying to get used to it. I hope to be able to take a drink from a water bottle without falling off or spilling all over myself. I do take comfort in the fact that I am alone most of the time while working out. There was sweat flying all over the place. I may have celebrated every quarter mile with an exertion fart or two. Everyone rewards themselves differently.

My body is a funny contraption. I have always been a little oddly proportioned. I carry all of my weight above my waist which, in addition to my family history of heart problems, does not help my blood pressure. My arms and legs remain relatively slim compared to my torso. My arms and legs are also the first things to show weight loss when it starts to happen. That is where I am noticing a difference now. I have to tell myself that I am not an apple with popsicle stick arms and legs, and that my torso will follow suit soon. I feel stronger and am able to lift more weight every time I go to the gym, so progress is being made.

I have another trip to Edmonton on Wednesday for union business. I am only up there until Friday. I am flying again, so hopefully it will be uneventful this time. I didn't mention the groin pat down I got in the Edmonton airport on my way back last time. There is only a slightly smaller amount of discomfort having a male attendant do the pat down. My first instinct is to make a joke to break the discomfort, but I kept my mouth shut and stared at the wall. I probably would have been tasered and declared a flight risk if I would have said anything stupid.

Anyway, another week is almost here, so I had better go get some sleep before it punches me in the face tomorrow.

Feel the burn

I am happy to report that my newly resurrected exercise/weight loss/ take care of myself so I don't die plan is starting to work.

I joined the new Flex Fitness gym here in Stirling about 3 weeks ago. I have been doing a rip off of the Body for Life program that I really quite like. It consists of a 3 day rotation of upper body weights/ cardio/ lower body weights. I have combined that with the Weight Watchers online program, which is cool because I can track my food intake at work and wherever else I go. It has been a struggle to change my eating habits, but that is coming along nicely.

I noticed a difference in my leg strength tonight, which is really neat to see. I am now able to lift and do multiple reps with the whole 200 lb stack on the leg press machine. I couldn't do that when I first started. I am prone to becoming impatient with my progress. I have to keep reminding myself that this will take quite a while to do.

There is something really important that occurred to me before I started again with my weight training. I have started and quit dieting numerous times in my life. I figured out what it is that I was missing in my previous attempts. I always thought and told myself that I was a worthless piece of crap unless I was thin and healthy. What it different this time is that I have forced myself to believe that I am a worthwhile and a good person before I started this again, and that my self worth is no longer dependent on my weight. That has been really difficult to do, but is really what drives me to keep going when I get tired or feel stressed.

I still have people say really hurtful things about my weight. At least now I can deflect those comments and not internalize and bludgeon myself with them. I have a clear goal and picture in my mind of what I want to look like and how I want to be. I am already a good person who is undergoing some renovations at the moment.

I still have a list of my perceived deficiencies and weaknesses. I am very proud to say that I am working on all of them at the same time. I feel hope and optimism for myself that was not there earlier this year. Things were extremely dark there for a while and I am not willing to go back to that.

I was in Edmonton last week for union contract negotiations. I took my exercise clothes with me and went to the fitness center at the Mayfield Inn where I was staying. I am a creature of habit. I like working out when I get off work in the little gym in Stirling when no one is around. Being in Edmonton in a crowded gym with a bunch of people I didn't know wasn't easy, but I went anyway. It was awkward holding the gaze of a Russian man with a perfectly round head as his face went crimson due to the pectoral exercises he was doing. I avoided eye contact with anyone after that.

I need to go find what I did with my I-tunes card. I got it to reward myself a little bit.

Good night...

Jay Jay the Jet Plane

It is 1:10 a.m. and I am sitting in the business center at the Mayfield Inn in Edmonton. I am wide awake and sharp as a tack, since I fell asleep at about 8:00 last night reviewing collective agreements from Ontario, in preparation for another round of pre negotiation union meetings this morning.

I had the choice to fly or drive up here at chose to fly, thinking there would be less hassle. NNNNO DICE!!!!!

My flight from Lethbridge to Calgary went without incident and I felt a real member of the jet set, seeing how my local member of the legislative assembly, Rick Casson, was in a seat not two rows ahead of me. There was also a general authority from our recent stake conference on the plane whose name escapes me, seeing how I woke up at 11:00 a.m. on Sunday and missed the meeting. I do feel bad about that one.

The flight from Calgary to Edmonton was not so special. It was aboard Air Canada Jazz flight 8158. Leaving the airport happened without incident. We were above Red Deer when the pilot made what I thought was a course correction, as the plane banked hard left and then straightened out. It was dark, and since I had not been tasked with the job of navigator, I didn't pay full attention to how far we had turned, until I noted that the sun was setting on the wrong side of the plane for us to be still headed to Edmonton. It was shortly after that that the pilot called to speak to the flight attendant.

He then announced over the public address system that the plane had a suspected case of smoke in the baggage compartment and that we had turned back to Calgary for an immediate landing. He did his best to sound calm, saying that it was probably just a faulty sensor and that we were returning for precautionary measures. It was at this point that I began to realize that our flight attendant was not the most kind, or calm, person aboard the plane. While on the phone with the pilots, she repeated barked at them because she was having a hard time hearing them.

We landed safely, which is good, but were forced to shut down the engines and wait on the tarmac with multiple fire trucks parked on either side of the plane, with lights flashing. I did a good job of remaining calm, but others did not. I don't like the thought of being in a flammable cylindrical tube loaded with people, jet fuel, plastic and narrow walkways. Adding to that, the cylindrical tube is a DeHavilland Dash 8 turbo prop commuter jet that has been grounded recently in certain American carriers for landing gear failure and occasionally crashing into the earth.

The tension got to a woman sitting near the rear of the plane, which is where the baggage compartment is that may or may not have been on fire. She wanted off the plane right then. Out the emergency exits and onto the tarmac of the super busy Calgary airport which is not the safest spot to wander, but better than being inside a plane that may or may not be on fire. I have watched enough reality TV to know what happens to frozen chickens and air craft carrier staff that have the misfortune of getting sucked into jet engines to know that we were probably better off staying on the plane. For some though, terror does not breed logic, tranquility or reason.

Enter the Florence Nightengale of the stewardess staff of Air Canada. Instead of calmly reassuring this passenger that everything would be fine, she asked quite sharply for the woman to read a book or something because she was stressing her out. The stewardess became increasingly agitated with all aboard the plane. This part of the story is where I can sympathize with her though. Instead of opening the baggage door on the outside of the air craft to look for fire, which reason would say should be done by a firefighter, our stewardess was told to open the cabin baggage door to see if she could see anything.

If there was a fire and smoke, there are some things that I don't like about this scenario. If she opens the door and finds fire, the rush of breathing air filling the cabin would only add as an accelerant to the flames in the baggage compartment and to the panic and fear of the passengers, seeing as how the smoke and flames formerly contained in the baggage compartment would now be free to mingle with the 50 passengers and one very flammable flight attendant. Also, since the fire would be confirmed as a yes, the flight attendant would no longer have the moxie to legibly tell the pilots there is a fire as she is being trampled by those of us who no longer want to sit in the back of the plane.

Happily though, the flight attendant and firefighters worked together to confirm that what we were facing was indeed a faulty sensor and that we would be returning to the terminal to have the air craft checked out and to de board the plane. That was o.k. with me, since I much prefer sitting in the terminal to being on fire. I do have to say that our flight attendant may need some crisis or stress management, as she became increasingly agitated before we landed with those of us who wouldn't turn off our electronical ( direct quote) devices. One very funny French Canadian gentleman shared with some of us ,once we de boarded the plane, that he kept unbuckling his seat belt just to "stir the pot" with the flight attendant. She finally asked him if there was something wrong with him that he kept doing that.

I was lucky enough to get on the next flight to Edmonton, but my luggage was not so lucky. I had to fill out a lost luggage form at the baggage claim and was given an Air Canada overnight bag for my trouble. I got here to the hotel and opened it, happy to find toiletry items I desperately needed. I am still perplexed by the plain white t-shirt that was included in the package. It is too small for me, for one thing, and is a little sheer for my standard of dress. I have always been leery of salesmen or anyone whose nipples, moles and skin are visible under a dress or t-shirt. Maybe they provide it as a clean barrier between you and the top half your day old clothes. If you have to meet with anyone who has a curious dog and you are not your freshest downstairs, however, you may still be subject to an uncomfortable sniff of the midsection.
I do fear what selection of underwear they would provide. If those are also too small, your protruding eyes and purple face may frighten the dog away anyway.

To me though, it seemed that all it would prepare me for was the rare chance that I would be challenged to a wet t-shirt contest. If that happens at any time this week, I am covered. Maybe there is a 50's night at the Legion that I can go to, since I do now have jeans and my leather jacket with me.

I am happy to report that my luggage arrived and I now have all the clothes I need. I am grateful that things turned out as well as they did.

Good night...

Lament

I have been saddened with the news of the tsunami in Samoa. It is a sacred place to me, not only because of my Dad's experiences there, but because of my own life changing associations with the Samoan people. My hope is that those who have lost their lives are at peace, and that those left behind are being helped and comforted. My thoughts and prayers are with them. I am really glad to hear of aid being sent so quickly from Hawaii and from other parts of the world. I wish I could be there to help as well.

The title of my post is the name of a song by Midge Ure's former band called Ultravox. The reason I chose this title is because my sister Karen is leaving today to move to Halifax. We had a nice gathering at her husband James' parents home last night to see them off. I am sad beyond what I had expected to be.

The song "Lament" is what I listened to the morning that Karen left to go back to BYU after being home for Christmas, or some other break, when I was in high school. I was the last child at home, as my brother Jeff had left 2 years previously and was still on his mission at that time. I felt alone. It was tough when Jeff left, and even harder when Karen was gone.

I was able to get through that initial separation when she left for school and again when I left on my mission. It was Karen that really got me through some discouraging times when I was there. I loved getting letters from her. She took good care of me by sending packages, tapes and the funniest letters I have ever read. Not only was her literary artistry enough to make me pee my pants laughing, but also her gift of sketching what was happening at home that would really bring such joy.

My parents and Karen lived with my grandparents in their basement during the early summer of 1992 before moving to the acreage at Harrisville. My mother had the misfortune of slipping while she was descending the stairs into the basement. I was lucky enough to get a letter containing a full description along with a picture penned from my Grandpa's view at the top of the stairs. I can still see the drawing of my mother's buttocks as she "cascaded"(direct qoute) down the stairs. My mother was fond of stirrup pants at that time, so Karen kindly sketched the distressed worn crotch area of her favorite pants. It always helped me feel at home when I was sitting in a mission apartment in Utah.

Karen is someone who "gets" me. She understands how my mind works and has always been able to help me, and most importantly, has always made time for me. My grandmother Lucille Bevan is who Karen gets her middle name from. My grandma always made me feel good about myself and I loved being around her. Karen has that same gift. We have been through a lot together and I will miss her while they are away.

I am sad because I know how life gets busy and fear that we will drift apart. Jeff has been away since 1986 and I really miss him. I have gotten used to being apart from him, but I still really dislike it. This summer was really nice since we got the chance to all be together as a family. That closeness we had as brothers when we were young has been gone of late, but feels like it is returning. It takes work to keep people close and I hope that we all can keep from drifting apart.

I am supposed to say that I am happy that everyone is going to places where they can provide for themselves and that we will be fine. In a way I am, but I really cherish those times when everyone is close and laughing together. I really look forward to what Karen has to send me on Facebook.

My nephew Ayden is someone I am really going to miss. He was the first baby I had any involvement with. When he was born I went to see what the nurses were doing when they had to take a blood sample from his foot. He started to cry when they pricked his foot. I turned away from the window and bawled like a baby when I got back into Karen's room. I got to bless him in our ward when he was a baby and that is something very dear to me. He has always been extra special (good special) to me. When he is at our house I still love being around him to hear his funny stories. Read his blog.

When I picture what heaven will be like, I see everyone together laughing about something. No one has to leave to go anywhere and everyone is safe and happy. Now to make that picture celestial, it would all happen in a fale in Samoa with the breeze blowing and more Samoan food than we can eat.

To my family, I love you dearly and am hoping for your success. I can't wait until everyone can get together again. To my Samoan friends in Samoa and abroad, my prayers are for you and your families. I love you and hope to see you soon.

Jason

Busy bee!

If I had not corrected my spelling the title of this post would have been busty bee, which is not at all what I am planning to talk about. Besides, bees are not mammals and that would just be silly. I have been a busy bee this summer, hovering clumsily just above the ground.

I don't think we will be submitting any heart warming stories to the Friend from Joshua B., age 4, in Alberta, Canada anytime soon. He asked if Jesus' middle name was jack ass, because that's what Jesus calls people. I told him that all I knew from the scary people I have heard cussing at rodeos is that Jesus has a middle initial of "H". We tried to assure him that Jesus would never call anyone a jack ass. I had a hard time balancing shock and horror while trying not to pee my pants laughing.

We now have to monitor Josh on the computer. He likes to play free online games and has tried with no success to try and log in to games of a rather bawdy nature advertised by scantily clad medieval wenches. It is a good thing he can't read or spell yet. I also caught him staring at a picture of the Kardasian sisters on one of Kathy's People magazines. OH DEAR! I thought I wouldn't have to contend with this kind of issue until he was much older.

Despite his early onset of love for the female form, he is such a great little boy and I am proud to be his dad.

Scott is now in school at the College of William and Mary in Williamsburg, Virginia. He started his classes this week and is loving them. I am sure he will thrive. It has been an emotional week since he left. I have had some really nice spiritual experiences this last week regarding him, me and our relationship as father and son. I feel like I have done and am doing a good job at being his dad. It has been strange having him gone and I have had to contend with feelings of insecurity that I did not expect. My fear was now that he was no longer living here with us that my role as his dad was somewhat threatened and in some way redundant. I have never tried to replace his father, but I feel a love for him as strongly as I do for my children born to me.

Scott was the first child I ever babysat. He may have fallen down the stairs when I watched him that day. It was only a few steps until his leg got caught in the banister. I can still picture him the first time I ever saw him. He came around the corner in Kathy's little apartment looking at me with his big brown eyes framed by his blonde bowl cut hair. I still remember how his chubby little feet looked in his sandals.

He would say "Ooomph!", which was an all purpose word that described whatever he pointed at. My job was to figure out what he wanted.

I remember the day I was sitting on the couch and he climbed up beside me and handed me a book to read. I hadn't yet learned the art of alliteration and story telling, so the story took a bit of a somber and grey tone thanks to my monotone reading. I have got alot better with that, and it is because I had him to read to. He would call me Yay Yay, then Jay Jay once he got a little older.

I remember sitting in the tub with him after Kathy and I were married. We were playing with some foam soap and made huge santa beards. He did look good with a moustache, even if he was just three. I would lay with him to get him to sleep and he would hold onto my thumb and rub my thumbnail with his thumb and fall asleep. Josh has done the same thing since he was really little. That is one thing that has bonded my little boys together in my heart.

It took a while to figure out how to be a dad. I was overly hard on him those first couple of years, which I feel bad about. It was and has been a difficult process to learn where I fit in. What was absolutely huge was the day he started calling me dad. He had been to see his cousins in Utah and just started doing it when he got back home. I remember how good it felt to hear him say that, and it still does to this day.

Now I sit here and wonder if I have done enough for him. I sit and wait to hear what he is doing. I get tears in my eyes because I miss him, but I am so proud of where he is and am so happy for him. I believe in tender mercies. I believe that one blessing was when Josh was born, and with having my boys look so much like their mother, is that I got to see what Scott would have looked like during the first two and a half years of his life that I missed.

After Scott left for school, I was comforted by the spirit and it was was confirmed to me that I have done a good job in being a dad to him. That knowledge is precious to me.

I need to go to bed, otherwise I can look forward to a migraine tomorrow.

Weekend Update

It's been a busy week leading up to Scott's graduation. It was last night and was really great to see and be a part of.

Scott's girlfriend Kelsey has been here for a few days with him and is a really nice girl. Scott's dad Byron and step mom Inger were here, as well as Kathy's dad, my parents and siblings from both sides. I think we represented and supported him quite well, and although we weren't the loudest cheering section, we were there.

I was honestly amazed by him. He looked very distinguished in his cap and gown, with the added bling bling of the valedictorian sash. If he was nervous when he spoke, I couldn't tell, because he spoke with conviction and what I can safely describe as power. It is so strange to see him looking all grown up when I remember him as the little two year old with the bowl cut that he was when I first met him. I do feel very lucky to be a part of his life and I am glad that he calls me Dad.

I am having a difficult time with the fact that he will be leaving for Virginia in a couple of months. The time will fly, as summer always does, so I hope we have some time to spend together before he goes. I really enjoy listening to his music with him and seeing what bands he has found. That boy will excel in his life and I am excited to see where his journey takes him. I have watched him grow and mature a great deal in a short time. The only thing I have to do to see that is look at pictures and it is surreal how drastically he has changed physically over the past few years.

His intellectual maturity is quite something. As he grows, he sees his parents differently. I hope that he doesn't consider me a doofus, but that is my own insecurity talking. I know I have faults and I am trying to be accountable for them.

Seeing him with Kelsey is really cute. I can tell they adore each other and it is really fun to watch them together. I have kept my mouth shut, for the most part, while she has been here and haven't said anything stupid.

One side note that I need to mention before I go is that public displays of affection should NEVER take place, ANYWHERE! I have seen them at church, at school, and the most obvious was last night at Scott's graduation. A very muscular fellow was sitting in the bleachers and was joined by his very pregnant, tanned, rail thin wife. She sat on the seat below him and leaned against him, which in itself shouldn't be construed as an inappropriate PDA. What was disturbing was seeing him repeatedly cup her breasts with his hands. She in turn massaged his hands while he was assisting her brassiere, so to speak. I will end the description there, but wonder if the the conception of the pregnancy occured at another public event somewhere, like a parent teacher interview or church pot luck supper.

Affection in a marriage is good, but not in front of others....