Feel the burn

I am happy to report that my newly resurrected exercise/weight loss/ take care of myself so I don't die plan is starting to work.

I joined the new Flex Fitness gym here in Stirling about 3 weeks ago. I have been doing a rip off of the Body for Life program that I really quite like. It consists of a 3 day rotation of upper body weights/ cardio/ lower body weights. I have combined that with the Weight Watchers online program, which is cool because I can track my food intake at work and wherever else I go. It has been a struggle to change my eating habits, but that is coming along nicely.

I noticed a difference in my leg strength tonight, which is really neat to see. I am now able to lift and do multiple reps with the whole 200 lb stack on the leg press machine. I couldn't do that when I first started. I am prone to becoming impatient with my progress. I have to keep reminding myself that this will take quite a while to do.

There is something really important that occurred to me before I started again with my weight training. I have started and quit dieting numerous times in my life. I figured out what it is that I was missing in my previous attempts. I always thought and told myself that I was a worthless piece of crap unless I was thin and healthy. What it different this time is that I have forced myself to believe that I am a worthwhile and a good person before I started this again, and that my self worth is no longer dependent on my weight. That has been really difficult to do, but is really what drives me to keep going when I get tired or feel stressed.

I still have people say really hurtful things about my weight. At least now I can deflect those comments and not internalize and bludgeon myself with them. I have a clear goal and picture in my mind of what I want to look like and how I want to be. I am already a good person who is undergoing some renovations at the moment.

I still have a list of my perceived deficiencies and weaknesses. I am very proud to say that I am working on all of them at the same time. I feel hope and optimism for myself that was not there earlier this year. Things were extremely dark there for a while and I am not willing to go back to that.

I was in Edmonton last week for union contract negotiations. I took my exercise clothes with me and went to the fitness center at the Mayfield Inn where I was staying. I am a creature of habit. I like working out when I get off work in the little gym in Stirling when no one is around. Being in Edmonton in a crowded gym with a bunch of people I didn't know wasn't easy, but I went anyway. It was awkward holding the gaze of a Russian man with a perfectly round head as his face went crimson due to the pectoral exercises he was doing. I avoided eye contact with anyone after that.

I need to go find what I did with my I-tunes card. I got it to reward myself a little bit.

Good night...